Something to Think About

So I'm new at this white mother of mixed race children thing. And I will say that I have many learning experiences ahead of me. And I'm not so perfect at knowing how to handle "interesting" situations. But I do have something to say and I'm curious about your thoughts and even your advice.

First, I never planned on parenting children of another race. But I am and I know that this is a good thing for our family and for Aaron and Owen. They are very happy and safe with us. Good things aren't always easy, but they are still good. I do not worry about how they will be treated within our family so much, but sometimes I wonder about other people.

I can handle people thinking I had 3 different "husbands" as I walk through the grocery store or the park. And I can handle the questions. What I struggle with is how the boys are treated and the language used by others. Perhaps I am over sensitive, but I really want my boys to be respected by others. And I want them to respect themselves.

I first became sensitive to language when we began the adoption process. LDS Family Services gave us a sheet of phases and language used in the adoption process. For example we say "birth mother" and "adoptive mother" or "birth father" and "adoptive father." We say "placing your child for adoption" instead of "giving up your child for adoption." This sheds a more positive light on the birth mother who purposely and selflessly decided on a family for her baby. I will always have a very precious place in my heart for all birth mothers, I know they love their babies and want what is best for them. It's love that caused them to place their baby in a loving family. We avoid things like "real mom" because it implies that someone is a "fake mom." Both birth mothers and adoptive mothers have an important role for adopted children. Many people use dated language or insensitive language simply because they just don't know.

And now there is the issue of race. Obviously, I am not an expert. But I have learned a few things as a public educator and living in areas with lots of diversity and culture. I'd like to use this medium to bring a little awareness into your day. Perhaps you already are aware, but I feel there's no harm in a repeat message. ( = The number one guiding rule when referring to people of another race or even to your own race is, don't say anything that could be taken as a label, put down, anything that is negative. Here is an example, someone recently called Owen an Oreo. That's a cookie, right? Sweet and yummy, everyone likes Oreos. However, Oreo is a term often used by black people referring to adopted black or mixed race black people. The idea is they are black on the outside but on the inside they are white, like their adoptive parents. It's not a nice thing to say. Adopted Asians are sometimes called "bananas", yellow on the outside, white on the inside. Clearly no one could ever know all the racial slurs out there or all the mean things people say, nor should anyone really want to. I think the goal should be--don't use labels or anything that might offend or hurt someones feelings. And when in doubt, just don't say it.

In January a very nice person came to my house. I love this person and have no bad feeling toward them. The topic of nuts was raised, Brazil Nuts in particular. Apparently Brazil Nuts used to be called something very bad, a racial slur against African American people. I did not know this one and I hope you do not know either. It's better left as history. Anyway, the "n" word was said by this person in my house several times. I was in shock. I still am. Totally speechless. In my opinion there is no excuse to ever use that word, it's just not nice and not necessary. To make the matter worse it was Martin Luther King Jr. Day and I have two mixed race boys in my house. I said very little, I was speechless. But since then I have thought a lot about my role as an adoptive mother with children of another race. I should have said something. I shoudn't have let it been said over and over like that. The memory haunts me.

So I guess the point of this post is please be respectful of others. Please don't say mean things or things that make life harder for others. Please be an example to my boys of how to talk about themselves and others. When you hear things that aren't right please say something. You don't have to be mean, but let them know it's not ok. And teach your children and families to do the same. I hope that somehow we can turn around good people that just don't know better. I feel a little alone on this, but I know others can help me. My love for my boys makes me a little more brave.

My grandma Diania and I took a road trip once just the two of us. It was a treasured trip for me. She is an incredible lady who raised her family outside the US, was a great missionary for our church, and was a great example to me of hospitality and genuine graciousness. Anyway, she said to me on that trip, "I have always tried to make sure everything I said was the right thing at the right time. I wasn't always perfect at it, but I always wanted to be positive and uplifting." I hope that I can be that for my boys and those around me. I hope you can too.