Birthday Blahs

My birthday is coming up. I'll be 36. It's not a big birthday, not even a big deal. But I've been thinking about it.

When you're little, you hope simple things for your birthday--cake, ice cream, party/games/outing/meal with friends and/or family, and some cool gifts--maybe something you've really wanted for a while and/or somefun surprises. A happy birthday is a simple thing.

When you get older, it seems more complicated. You start to want other people to be happy on your birthday. You worry about how much your birthday will cost and is it really worth that. You realize other people will be sacrificing for your birthday and wonder if they are doing that out of obligation or guilt or because they really want to. Then there's people who just look for a party and any excuse to have one, do you want to spend your birthday with them? It seems like you should be afforded a little selfishness on your birthday, but you're a grown-up, you don't do that anymore and it's awkward for you.

Then there's the gifts. Let's be real, most moms have a list (writen or unwriten) of things they would love to have, but they are putting them off for more important/demanding/pressing things. So when people ask what you want, do you tell them? Probably not. (see previous paragraph) Are you happy with any of the gifts you get? Maybe. Some are no brainers like gift cards to your favorite places. Some are adorable--from the kids. Some are funny or silly and make you laugh. Some of your friends nail it--and you realize just how lucky you are. Some are "what were you thinking?!" Then there's also the gift(s) from your husband. The one person who probably does know you best, but doesn't always use that knowledge to the best of his ability when he is shopping/surfing Amazon. Does he get me something off my mental wish list? What about the list of ideas I actually write for him? You love him, you do. Gift are just complicated.

Then what do you do with the gifts you don't really want or won't really use? Return them? Don't want to hurt feelings. How long do you hang on to them? How do you show appreciation, but still maintain your own identity and sanity? How much of a selfish, ungrateful jerk do you feel as you consider this?

Augh! Just imagine if birthdays growing up weren't happy. Even worse.

I get it now. This is why people hate getting old and don't like their birthdays anymore.

I've got to come up with a plan for a happy birthday this year. I deserve a happy birthday. I do.